I’m trying to be somebody. Some might call me a go-getter, goal-setter.. others, pathetic. It’s sort of an embarrassing thing to admit because no one wants to be known as a try hard. Like why try if it doesn’t matter in the end anyway? None of this matters. Nihilism. And you’re right. Nothing does.. unless an divine, sublime being eternally extending this-ways and that-a-ways filled with unadulterated, pure and therefore dangerously potent love and commitment to the world breathed life, design, purpose into it, caused it to move, live, and have its being. Then everything matters. You matter. I matter.

So why do I still feel the shame of trying? I’m afraid that as much as I give to the world, the world will not come through. There’s my problem. Looking for love in all the wrong places yet again, Kaylin. Could you be any more like a child? The world is suffocating from evil, pain, and suffering. And I want it to give my love back to me? Death has swallowed it up like an unforgiving thief and glutton.

Then there’s Jesus. The Beauty surpassing all creation, all the universe, the Alpha and Omega. He gave to the world regardless if it came through. His love unreciprocated, but His love is without needs: He only fulfills them. How He gave to us and yet had no need! Amazing love! So we matter. We must really matter.

I cannot try anymore. Not the way that I used to anyway. I used to try, in hope that I succeed with approval from man. But it’s nothing like Jesus. See, all of it, every fiber of being, my thoughts, actions, choices, today, tomorrow.. are entangled in Him. It crosses the lines of eternity. And everything matters.. now, and to the end.


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